When Growth in Your Relationship Feels Raw.
We often picture healing in a relationship as this calm, easy process where everything just clicks into place. Fewer arguments, more smiles, and lots of cozy, peaceful moments. But here’s the truth: when real growth is happening, it usually doesn’t feel calm at all. In fact, it often feels raw.
That heaviness in your chest or the flip in your stomach? That’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s actually a sign you’re doing something new, stretching beyond old patterns, and trying to build a deeper connection.
Let’s talk about why growth feels this way, what’s happening in your brain and body, and how you and your partner can stay present in those uncomfortable moments instead of pulling away.
Why “Calm” Isn’t Always Progress
A lot of couples walk into therapy thinking that progress should look like peace and quiet. No fights. No tension. Everything smooth.
But calm isn’t always progress. Sometimes “calm” is just avoidance. It’s shutting down, stuffing things down, or walking on eggshells. And sure, that can keep the peace temporarily, but it doesn’t build real connection.
Real growth stirs things up. It challenges the way you’ve always done things. And when you try something new—like sharing your feelings instead of shutting down—your body often reacts with discomfort. That’s not failure. That’s your nervous system saying, “Whoa, this is different. This is big.”
The Rawness Beneath the Surface
I once worked with a couple where the wife often went quiet during arguments. On the outside, it looked like she didn’t care. Her husband assumed she was brushing him off or avoiding him.
But when I asked her to pause and name what she was feeling, the words that came out were scared and fear. As we dug deeper, she admitted she was afraid that if she didn’t have the right answer right away, her husband would keep pulling back. And even deeper than that, she was terrified he would leave her altogether.
So what looked like “carelessness” was really a freeze response. Her brain was saying, “If I don’t figure this out, I’ll lose him.”
Another couple had a similar raw spot, but from the opposite side. The husband avoided asking for affection because he didn’t want to “rock the boat.” On the surface, he looked passive, like maybe he didn’t care enough to ask. But when we explored further, he shared that underneath the silence was a fear of being rejected, of being “too needy,” and ultimately of being unloved.
Both of these examples show how easy it is to misread each other. What looks like pulling away often hides a deep desire to stay close—but fear gets in the way.
What’s Happening in the Brain and Body
Here’s where the neuroscience comes in, and I think it helps make sense of all this.
When you hit those raw spots, your amygdala—the alarm system in your brain—lights up. It’s the same response your body has when it senses physical danger. Your heart races, your chest tightens, your voice might shake. You’re suddenly in fight, flight, or freeze mode.
Now, here’s the fascinating part: your nervous system is wired to your partner’s nervous system. So when your alarm goes off, theirs often does too. That’s why couples can spiral so quickly. One person shuts down, the other escalates, and suddenly you’re stuck in a loop.
But here’s the good news. That same wiring that makes you reactive also gives you the ability to calm each other. Soft eye contact, a gentle tone, or reaching for your partner’s hand—all of those things signal safety to the nervous system. They help quiet the alarm and bring the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) back online. That’s where connection happens.
So when you stay with your partner in that raw moment, even for thirty seconds longer than usual, you’re not just “being nice.” You’re literally rewiring both of your brains to experience safety and closeness instead of fear.
How to Stay in the Raw Spots
So what do you actually do in these moments? Here’s a simple practice you can try:
Pause and Name It. Say what you’re feeling in the simplest way possible: “I’m scared,” or “This feels hard.”
Breathe. Take a deep, slow breath together to remind your body that you’re safe.
Stay 30 Seconds Longer. Instead of walking away or shutting down, try to remain present just a little longer than usual.
That’s it. You don’t need perfect words or big dramatic gestures. You just need presence. Over time, these small practices teach your nervous system—and your partner’s—that it’s safe to stay.
A Challenge for You
The next time you feel that rawness rise up, don’t run from it. Stay for thirty seconds longer. Name the fear, reach for your partner, and notice what shifts.
Those raw places aren’t signs that you’re broken. They’re the places where love begins to grow stronger roots.
Listen to the Full Episode “When Relationships Feel Raw.”
If this resonates with you, I dive much deeper into this topic in my podcast Resilient Minds in Relationships. You’ll hear more stories from couples therapy, a deeper look at the brain science, and reflection questions you can use right away.
🎙️ Listen here:
And if you want daily encouragement and resources, you can also connect with me here:
Here’s to staying with each other in the raw places. That’s where love truly rewires itself.
About the Author
Kathryn Fayle, MA, LPC, NCC, CSAT, is the founder of Resilient Mind Counseling and Coaching, PLLC, a group practice serving Baytown, Mont Belvieu, Beach City, and the Greater Houston Area, as well as clients online. As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Kathryn specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from betrayal trauma, rebuild trust, and cultivate secure, lasting connection. She is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), integrating evidence-based methods with a compassionate, relational style.
Through her practice, podcast (Resilient Minds in Relationships), and digital resources, Kathryn’s mission is to help people discover resilience in the raw and messy parts of love, guiding them toward deeper healing, emotional safety, and thriving relationships.
When she isn’t in the therapy room or creating resources for couples, you can find her spending time with her family, lounging with her MaineCoon Sully, diving into her doctoral studies, or sharing practical tools for relationship health on Instagram @resilient_mind_counseling.
