When Shame Isn’t Yours to Carry: Healing After Betrayal, Affairs, and Divorce.
You never asked for this. You didn’t sign up for the late-night secrets, the emotional affair he says “didn’t mean anything,” the browser history you can’t unsee, or the pit in your stomach that’s been living there ever since. And yet, somehow, you’re the one left holding the shame.
Sound familiar?
If you’ve been betrayed by cheating, pornography, emotional infidelity, or even divorce, you’ve probably wrestled with shame in ways that feel paralyzing. And the cruel twist? It’s not even yours to carry.
But that doesn’t stop the thoughts from coming:
“Maybe if I had been more available…”
“What if I wasn’t enough?”
“I should’ve seen it coming.”
“What does this say about me?”
Let’s be clear from the start: Betrayal is not a reflection of your worth.
But shame will try to convince you otherwise, and today, we’re going to talk about why.
What Is Shame, Really?
Shame is that sinking, gut-level belief that you are somehow bad, broken, or unworthy of love. It’s different from guilt, which says “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” And when you’ve been betrayed by someone you trusted, shame moves in fast, often before you even realize it.
It shows up in quiet moments. When you stare in the mirror and wonder if your body was the reason. When you isolate yourself from friends because you don’t want to explain “what happened.” When you stay silent in group settings because you don’t want to be seen as bitter or “too much.”
Shame doesn’t just hurt. It hijacks your healing.
And in betrayal trauma recovery, that’s something we have to actively fight against.
Why Shame Isn’t Yours to Carry
Let’s get one thing straight: You didn’t cause their betrayal.
People who cheat, lie, or use pornography in secret do so because of their own internal wounds, patterns, or avoidance, not because of your shortcomings. But shame loves to twist that narrative. It makes you the scapegoat. It leads you to question your intelligence, your desirability, your intuition, even your sanity.
This is especially true if you’ve been gaslit along the way. If you were told you were “overreacting,” “too sensitive,” or “crazy,” then of course shame crept in. It had fertile ground to grow.
But that voice in your head?
The one saying you weren’t enough?
That’s not truth.
That’s trauma talking.
Your heart was in the relationship. You showed up with love, hope, and trust. And that trust was broken. The pain you’re feeling is not a weakness—it’s evidence that you were all in.
Common Shame Thoughts After Betrayal
Here are just a few of the shame-driven thoughts I hear most often in the women’s support groups and coaching sessions I lead:
“I should have been able to fix this.”
Shame tells you that love means fixing other people’s wounds. But healing isn’t something you can do for someone else. Their choices were never your responsibility.“I must not have been good enough in bed.”
Betrayal often triggers insecurities around sexual performance or desirability. But affairs and porn use are rarely about sex they’re often about escapism, power, or emotional disconnection. It’s not about you.“Everyone must think I’m weak for staying.”
Or, “Everyone thinks I’m cold for leaving.” Shame shames you both ways. The truth is, every woman’s healing path looks different. Whether you stay, separate, or are still figuring it out, you deserve compassion, not judgment.“I should be over this by now.”
Healing isn’t linear. Betrayal shatters your nervous system, your worldview, and your sense of safety. Of course, it takes time. Of course, it still hurts. You’re not failing—you’re healing.
Releasing What Was Never Yours
Releasing shame doesn’t mean pretending it’s not there. It means naming it.
It means catching it in the act when it tries to blame you for someone else’s choices and saying, “Not today.”
Here are a few ways we start releasing shame in the betrayal recovery work I do:
Speaking it out loud in safe spaces.
Shame thrives in silence. When you’re in a group of women who have been there and say “me too,” shame starts to lose its grip.Replacing self-blame with truth-telling.
We practice gently but firmly identifying the lies we’ve internalized and replacing them with what’s real. Truth like: “I am worthy of love and respect.” “I didn’t cause this.” “My pain matters.”Practicing radical self-compassion.
We talk to ourselves like we would a sister or best friend. No more “shoulds.” No more name-calling. Just tenderness. And time.Rebuilding identity beyond the betrayal.
Shame tries to define you by your lowest moment. But you are more than this. As we do the work, you begin reconnecting with your values, your voice, your desires, your self.
You’re Not Alone. And You’re Not to Blame.
If you’re sitting in shame right now, if you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or like you somehow “deserved” what happened, I want you to know this:
You didn’t.
You were not too much. You were not “not enough”.
You were betrayed. That pain is real. But the shame? That can be left behind.
And you don’t have to untangle it alone.
If you're ready to start healing in a supportive space where shame has no room to hide, I invite you to join our women’s betrayal trauma support group. You’ll be met with understanding, not judgment. And slowly, sometimes quietly, you’ll begin to feel the weight lift.
You are worthy of a life that isn’t defined by someone else’s betrayal.
And you are allowed to heal.
About The Author
Marsha Galan is a Certified Master Level Coach and APSATS-trained Partner Specialist at Resilient Mind Counseling and Coaching, PLLC. She specializes in helping women heal from the emotional impact of betrayal trauma, infidelity, pornography addiction, emotional affairs, and divorce. With deep compassion and trauma-informed care, Marsha provides individual coaching and leads women’s betrayal support groups that help clients move from shame and confusion toward clarity, empowerment, and emotional safety. She serves clients in Dayton, TX, Mont Belvieu, TX, Baytown, TX, the Greater Houston Area, and online throughout Texas.